Legalize Trans*

Legalize Trans - Affirm, Include, Appreciate trans and gender-non-conforming people and issues

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 95- About to freak out

So, it has been a while since I've posted. I've been going through a lot of things lately and just haven't had time to post. However, now, as I sit here, somewhat emotionally numb and watching "Glee" with Kayla, I decided to take some time to update you guys with what is going on.

First, I have been having really bad anxiety and depression issues. The smallest things can set me off.

Secondly, Trevor turned to me in class on Wednesday and said, "I know you hate this but I need to talk to you later." I said OK, but I was freaking out inside. Finally, I said to him, "If you're gonna break up with me just do it now" because I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that he was thinking about going on a 10-week Study Abroad program in Alwnick (pronounced Ann-ick), England this summer. I got silent and didn't know how to react. I was really upset, initially. I'm still having a really hard time with it. 10 weeks= 2 1/2 months. We've been together for 3 months. That's almost our entire relationship. By the time he'd leave (May 21st) we'd been together for almost 7 months, so the ratio doesn't seem as high. My anxiety was so high around it that I couldn't even pretend to be excited about it. I was crying at any given moment. The only time I wasn't upset was when I had forgotten about it. It doesn't help that the next day that Kayla, who I had thought I would have up here was going with him. I did not react well and I feel so bad. I was really looking forward to spending out first summer together, TOGETHER. Also, I'm so afraid all that time away from me and around a bunch of sexy Irish women will make him leave me. I think another reason why I'm upset is that I'm jealous. Jealous that they have something to do this summer and jealous that they actually have the balls to just pick up and leave everyone and everything for 2 months. I can't even do that for two weeks.

I found a place to live this summer. So, I'm not too worried about that. I'll be staying with my friend, Daniel, in his apartment in Coon Rapids. I also might have found a job. Things are starting to look up for me. But I'm still just emotionally devastated right now. I'll post more about it as it gets closer.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Days 82, 83, 84, 85- A weekend away

Friday January 14, 2011:
Two Fridays ago I was going to go to parents' for the weekend since Trevor worked all weekend. So, I thought, 'Hey, what a perfect opportunity to go see some family and friends.' Plus a friend of the family had just passed and I kind of wanted to see people that I had missed at the funeral [since I didn't go because I live in St. Cloud and most of my family and friends live in the St. Paul area]. However, after I spent 20 minutes brushing the snow off my car that had accumulated over Winter Break. Then my car was stuck in its parking space. Once I finally got it out of the lot I noticed that my windshield wipers weren't working. So, I went to fill my car up with gas and to let it run for a minute, and scrape off ALL of the ice and snow. Then I tried to get on the road, however, it was snowing heavily, blizzard, disaster-like snow. My windshield was so covered in water from the snow hitting the windsheild and then melting that I couldn't see a thing. Plus, I was crying and frustrated so I was already having a hard time seeing. Finally, since my cell phone was completely dead, I made the [very smart] decision to turn back and wait until the next day to try and make the journey home. After a while, I went to see "Paranormal Activity 2" in the Atwood Theater with Zach, Ali, Daniel, and Sammie. The movie really freaked me out and I had some kind of psychotic break and lost my mind. I freaked out about having to stay in my apartment, that I was convinced at the time was haunted. So, after a while my friend Ali decided that I wasn't going to stay at my place and that she was taking me to my parents' house. I really appreciated it.

Saturday January 15, 2011:
I spent the weekend at my parents' house. It went so much better than the last time I tried to go home. I only cried once and that was during the day on Saturday when I had nothing to do and was really missing Trevor. But, I watched his video blogs and asked Kayla and Holly to have him call me when he had time. He'd fallen asleep after he got home from work. Then I got ready, went to dinner with my dad and grandpa, then my dad drove to Verizon Wireless to get signed up for a new phone plan and get a cell phone. After that I went to my Nana's house to hang out with her for a while until my mom was done babysitting her friend's kids and grocery shopping. I had such a good time with her. I got to meet her neighbors across the hall, Stacy and Brittany. One of which used to date Trevor's ex-girlfriend. Then Trevor called and we talked for a while. After a while my mom came and picked me up.

Sunday January 16, 2011:
The next day we went to my cousin, Erika's, hockey game. She's 7 and it was so much fun watching her on the ice. Then we went back to my Uncle Paul's to celebrate my Nana's 63rd birthday. We ate and chatted. My uncle's girlfriend, Johanna (pronounced Jo-anna), had lots questions for me about Trevor. She was so sweet about it. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she was clueless. I love those people but I'll cover that in another post. Then my friend, Sarah, text me to see if I want to go to the Gay 90s with her and some friends. I really wanted to go but Ali and Zach were going to come pick me up that night. But, luckily they both wanted to go the 90s, so it all worked out. My best friend, Kate, came with us. It was so nice to go out with friends and to have Kate meet some of my friends from Cloud. I had so much fun at the 90s. I've never really been comfortable going out to bars and dancing but this night was so different. Zach and Ali had to drag me out of the 90s. I was dancing my ass off. I have never felt so confident and sexy out in public. Normally, I would have been so self-conscious and wanted to leave after and hour. This time I was having so much fun. I want to go back so badly. Also, it was my first time going out with friends since I turned 21. My friend Sarah bought me a beer. It was so weird to be drinking a beer, in public, in a club, on the dance floor. It made me feel like a real person. After the 90s Ali, Zach, and I drove back to St. Cloud.

Monday January 17, 2011:
The next day was the "Big Day". It was Monday and we didn't have school (MLK Jr Day). I hadn't seen Trevor since Friday afternoon when he left for work. I got up and took a shower and got ready and after a while drove over to Trevor's. When I walked up to the door I was greeted by a beautiful, smiling man who had a nice, long, passionate kiss for me as soon as I walked through the door. We hung out with Kayla and Holly. Kayla made dinner (breakfast for dinner: french toast, bacon, and scrambled eggs). I was so happy to be back home with my baby and Kayla and Holly.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 73, 74, 75, 76- My 21st Birthday weekend

Day 73- Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
Trevor and Kayla went to a work training from 5-8 PM. While they were gone I went to Aldi and got chicken and potatoes. I had dinner mostly ready before they got home: Garlic Lemon Pepper chicken with Mashed potatoes and corn. They loved it. Then we sat around waiting for midnight.

Day 74- Thursday, January 6th, 2011
I turned 21 on Thursday. At midnight on Thursday Trevor, Kayla, Megan, and I had a Chuck Norris shot (Cherry UV and Liquid ice), so delicious. After we had a couple more drinks we all went to bed. Then we woke up. I called my mom. When she answered the phone I asked her if she knew what day it was and she said, "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!". I said, "Yes, and it's also the 21-year anniversary of my escape from your vaginal prison" because I'm awkward and creepy like that. My mom and Megan laughed for a good five minutes about it.

Megan and I sat around the apartment until Trevor woke up. Then we showered and the three of us went to the DMV to renew my license!

After that we went back to the apartment and I started to get ready to go out. I picked out my outfit, straightened my hair and put on make up. During all of this Megan brought me a Chuck Norris. Again, so yummy. Then we smoked and hung out for a bit, then Kayla came out of her room and poured me a shot into what Holly got me for my birthday, a hot pink zebra print shot glass.

Finally, it was almost 6 PM and we were all ready to go out. We started the night at La Casita. Where I had my first legal drink in public. A pomegranate margarita. Delicious. After dinner we went back to Trevor, Kayla, and Megan's apartment for pre-gaming. We played the game "What's Yours Like?" which was so much fun. I had a couple drinks and my friend Sara bought me a bottle of champagne. It was so good. After that we headed downtown to hit the bars. We started at MC's dugout where I had a "Buffalo on the Rag" which was delicious, despite the nasty name. The we went to the Press where Kerri, Sara, and I danced. Trevor bought me a rum and coke, Wendell bought me a "Fuckin' Awesome" (delicious), Sara bought me a "Scooby Snack" (amazing), and Megan bought me a strawberry "Kamikaze" (so good). After that it was off to the Red Carpet. Trevor bought me drink, not sure what it was, but it was good. After that I felt the "shit show" nerve in my brain pulsating so I cut myself off for the rest of the night. Later I met a random girl in the bathroom who insisted on buying me a shot because it was my birthday.

After that we came home and fell into bed. I was so tired... and so drunk.

Day 75- Friday, January 7th, 2011
During the day Megan and Kayla went out of town and Trevor had to work. So, I sat in the apartment alone. I did some chores, took a nap, and watch TV/movies all day. Then Trevor came home from work, we watched a movie and went to bed.

Day 76- Saturday, January 8th, 2011
The next morning we woke up and got ready. We were going to have lunch with my family and close family friends as Benihana for my birthday. I had so much fun. My grandparents bought me a couple drinks. The food was delicious. I tried sushi for the first time. It was so good. Trevor got the Las Vegas roll and the California roll, I think. I got a few gifts and some cash. After Benihana Trevor and I headed back to my parents' house to spend some time with them and to wait for Kate to get off of work and hang out with her for a while. We watched some TV and got ice cream. It was nice. Around 9, Kate got off of work and came over. Trevor and I smoked with her and talked for a while but she had to get home because she was tired. So, we headed back up to St. Cloud.

 The "Bling" my mom got me. It's a Christmas ornament and ridiculously heavy. I'm thinking of wearing it for drag sometime.

All in all it was an amazing birthday! My best one so far, and I don't usually have good birthdays.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 73- Remodeling my mindset and being mushy

So, ever since Trevor came out to me as transgender I've had this nifty little disconnect in my brain. In my brain, he wasn't born a woman. He's a man and it's normal for my boyfriend to have been referred to as Kayla and to have other female issues. This was working really well until I went home with him for Christmas and all I heard was, "Kayla this" and "Kayla that". Also, since then I've been getting more and more reminders that Trevor isn't like other guys, as I like to put it.

Lately, I've come to realize that I think I'm looking at this from a completely wrong perspective. Instead of being in denial of Kayla's existence, I need to look at it as part of his past, much like a haircut or an ex-girlfriend (but on a much grander scale). I need to remember that Kayla was around for 22 years and that Trevor is only 2 months old. Once I can adjust my frame of mind to this view I feel that hearing the accidental (or in some cases, due to carelessness) "Kayla"s or feminine pronouns won't hurt/confuse me so much.

If Trevor really is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (which he is) then, I need to make changes and sacrifices for him and for our life together. I don't get to pick and choose the parts of his life that I "can't handle" and ignore them. If I love him, I love ALL of him, and I do. I love every little thing about him, even the things he hates and he does the same for me. He loves things that I see as imperfections or flaws. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is the man I'm going to marry, maybe have children with, spend the rest of my life with and I love him with all my heart. He is the man of my dreams.

I used to feel physically uncomfortable when I would see pictures of him in his girlie days (with long hair and make up) as a woman. Now, it's actually easier to see them. He was a beautiful girl. However, looking at him now, his confidence and comfort level shines through because he is finally being true to himself. He is so handsome and sexy. He lights up a room when he walks into a room. When he smiles, so does everyone around him. Even when I'm in a horrible mood, one smile from him can lift the dark clouds. Just tonight I was feeling overwhelmed by the upcoming semester and how busy we are both going to be and he held and kissed me and reassured me that we love each other and we will get through it. I can't even begin to list the things I love about him. Maybe one day I'll devote an entire post to making that list. I don't know if I could fit the list in just one post, though. Ha ha.

Now, don't get me wrong. We do have our issues and every moment is not full of glitter and happy puppies but it's how we get through the bad moments that make the good moments even better. There are things that each of us need to work on as individuals and there are things we need to work on as a couple.

One of the things I need to work on is my self-esteem. I asked Trevor once if he could change one thing about me what would it be and that was his answer, he barely had to think about it. I agree with him. Towards the beginning of our relationship whenever he would compliment me, I would roll my eyes, shake my head, or verbally disagree with him. Now, I'm getting better at just accepting the compliments, even if I don't agree, I just try to say, "Thank you" or "I love you" when he compliments me. The thing is that I want to see when I look in the mirror what he sees when he looks at me. He tells me I'm beautiful, cute, hot, sexy, gorgeous, and amazing. I want to see that in myself. I want to feel it. I'm working on it. I hope to some day soon (or within the next year) I can be in a place that when he tells me I'm beautiful I feel it. I want to love myself as much as I love him and as much as he loves me.

I wish he knew how great he was. He is so wonderful. When he tells me I'm beautiful I want to compliment him back but the only word that comes to my mind is beautiful. I don't mean this in a completely physical sense. He is very attractive, there is no doubting that, but when I say I think he's beautiful, I mean so much more. He is kind, loving, smart, funny, generous, and sensitive. What I mean by beautiful is that he is beautiful inside and out.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Day 68/69- New year's

New Year's Eve was interesting. During the day Holly and I went ice skating with out friend, Kerri. Well, Holly and Kerri skated while I watched, smoked, and went into the warming house to read my book. After that Holly and I went to Target to get "supplies" for the evening (soda and snacks). Then Kayla got home from work. Then we waited until 10:00 PM when Trevor got off of work. He came home and we hung out, ate some snacks, and had some drinks. I think we had a little too much to drink that night. Trevor kept, as I call it, "Edward Cullen-ing" me. Talking about how he feels bad that the transition stuff is hard on me, how he wishes he were a regular guy, asking me if still I still love him, telling me that I would be better off with someone "normal". When this happens I keep the "I love you"s and hugs and kiss coming. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. Also, being with someone "normal" wouldn't be as wonderful as our relationship is.

The next day, we sat around. We watched "Easy A" with Kayla, Holly, Kyle, and Megan. After that we all (Kayla, Holly, Trevor and I) got ready to go on our "separate" dates. We ate separately and then met at the movie theater to see "Little Fockers". It was a cute movie but it was also one of those movies that if it hadn't been made no one would feel an empty spot inside. Then we came home and relaxed and then headed off to bed.