Day 124- What's been going on in my life

It's been two weeks since my last post. I figured I would do a post to just let people know what's been going on these past two weeks.

The Packers won the Super Bowl. Very exciting.

I switched anti-depressants. The first one I was on made me feel suicidal and gave me very disturbing thoughts. These new ones seem to be working well.

My "100 Day No Shave Challenge" is still going. My armpit hair is really impressive. I'd say it's close to an inch long. My leg hair isn't quite as impressive. It's dark but really sparse.

I have gotten over my issues with feet. Trevor gave me a foot rub last night. It was amazing. I've given him  foot rubs too. I'm excited about it.


I'm going to MBLGTACC (Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, and Ally College Conference) next weekend. I'm excited for the conference, but I'm not looking forward to the 12 hour car ride to Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first night we're driving to Madison, Wisconsin then staying overnight and finishing our trip in the morning. However, on the way back we're driving straight home. I get really car sick. I got some Dramamine and I'm going to try to sleep part of the way, but I don't usually sleep in the car. Hopefully, I'll be kept pretty busy with conversations and Jameson and I are going to plan some Alliance activities on the way too. That should help keep me from getting too sick. 


I'm going with my friend Sara to get her haircut today. I'm thinking of getting my haircut this week before MBLGTACC. I'll see when Kerri is free.

Day 124- Fear

Fear is a funny thing. My whole life I have been plagued with fear, fear so paralyzing that it has kept me from doing the most basic things. However, I have made a decision. No more. No longer will I let fear keep me from doing what I want. There are so many things I want to do. 


Trevor is a big factor in my dismissal of my fears. He seems to be fearless. The funny thing about courage is that courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to overcome fear. There are so many scary things in this world and he seems unfazed by all of it. That doesn't mean he's not scared. That just means he wants things badly enough. I want to be like that. I've decided that I am going to be like that. 


So, I've decided to make a contract with myself.


*I am not going to worry about what people will think of me.
*I will not give into my fear and anxiety when something scary comes into view.
*I will look my fear in the face and overcome it.
*I will do something everyday that scares me. 
*I will get over my fears that if I screw up or make a mistake that people will walk away.
*I will fight through my fears because I am strong.
*I will remember always that I can do anything I set my mind to.
*I will make plans, speak my mind, love like crazy, give up on those who have given up on me, cherish those who cherish me, rest easy, take my meds, love myself, and (as my dad's old motorcycle helmet used to say) "Fuck Fear".


"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
-Ambrose Redmoon

Day 105- I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest

I've been really sad lately. I've been hearing about Trevor's trip to Alnwick, England a lot lately. I am so sad that we have to spend two and a half months apart. When I think about it I just want to cry. 

So, now I'm looking at 10 weeks (end of May- beginning of July) of no hugs, no cuddling, no sex, no kissing, no holding hands, nothing. I'll be able to see him on Skype but that is going to make it harder at first, I feel. This whole experience is going to involve lots of tears on my part. I'm trying to be strong, to make leaving easier for him but it seems like he's not going to have that hard of a time leaving me. My eyes are welling up and my throat is all tight like I need to cry. I need to hold it together. I can't fall apart about this.


I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with him until the end of May. I'm going to miss him so much, it hurts already.


I'm still going to keep the blog updated while he's gone. We will still be together while he's gone and I'm going to need an outlet.


I don't want this trip to have a negative effect on our relationship

Day 104- My first ever drag performance

Saturday, February 5th, 2011
Today was my first ever drag performance. It was incredible. One of the best experiences of my life. I was so nervous on Friday night and all day in the car on the way up to Superior. I thought I was literally going to vomit. Zach went on stage before me as Tawnya Tootsieroll. My stomach was in knots and in so much pain the whole time. Then it was my turn on stage. The emcees were asking the crowd who was up next and Sara started a "Dexter" chant. I came through the curtain and they started cheering, loudly. I don't remember most of my first performance, "Grenade" by Bruno Mars. But, it went well. People I didn't even know tipped me.

My second song went really well. I did "Smile" by Uncle Kracker and kept it a secret from Trevor. I think he liked it. I'm not sure though, ha ha, I got that impression from the picture from my second performance. I had so much fun in the show. Incredible experience and I can't wait until April 7th so I can perform again. I'm officially in love with drag! I loved performing in high school and I didn't do it for so long that I psyched myself out for it. I never really got nervous in high school and I was so painfully nervous before this. I'm so excited to keep doing this for years to come.

Day 95- About to freak out

So, it has been a while since I've posted. I've been going through a lot of things lately and just haven't had time to post. However, now, as I sit here, somewhat emotionally numb and watching "Glee" with Kayla, I decided to take some time to update you guys with what is going on.

First, I have been having really bad anxiety and depression issues. The smallest things can set me off.

Secondly, Trevor turned to me in class on Wednesday and said, "I know you hate this but I need to talk to you later." I said OK, but I was freaking out inside. Finally, I said to him, "If you're gonna break up with me just do it now" because I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that he was thinking about going on a 10-week Study Abroad program in Alwnick (pronounced Ann-ick), England this summer. I got silent and didn't know how to react. I was really upset, initially. I'm still having a really hard time with it. 10 weeks= 2 1/2 months. We've been together for 3 months. That's almost our entire relationship. By the time he'd leave (May 21st) we'd been together for almost 7 months, so the ratio doesn't seem as high. My anxiety was so high around it that I couldn't even pretend to be excited about it. I was crying at any given moment. The only time I wasn't upset was when I had forgotten about it. It doesn't help that the next day that Kayla, who I had thought I would have up here was going with him. I did not react well and I feel so bad. I was really looking forward to spending out first summer together, TOGETHER. Also, I'm so afraid all that time away from me and around a bunch of sexy Irish women will make him leave me. I think another reason why I'm upset is that I'm jealous. Jealous that they have something to do this summer and jealous that they actually have the balls to just pick up and leave everyone and everything for 2 months. I can't even do that for two weeks.

I found a place to live this summer. So, I'm not too worried about that. I'll be staying with my friend, Daniel, in his apartment in Coon Rapids. I also might have found a job. Things are starting to look up for me. But I'm still just emotionally devastated right now. I'll post more about it as it gets closer.

Days 82, 83, 84, 85- A weekend away

Friday January 14, 2011:
Two Fridays ago I was going to go to parents' for the weekend since Trevor worked all weekend. So, I thought, 'Hey, what a perfect opportunity to go see some family and friends.' Plus a friend of the family had just passed and I kind of wanted to see people that I had missed at the funeral [since I didn't go because I live in St. Cloud and most of my family and friends live in the St. Paul area]. However, after I spent 20 minutes brushing the snow off my car that had accumulated over Winter Break. Then my car was stuck in its parking space. Once I finally got it out of the lot I noticed that my windshield wipers weren't working. So, I went to fill my car up with gas and to let it run for a minute, and scrape off ALL of the ice and snow. Then I tried to get on the road, however, it was snowing heavily, blizzard, disaster-like snow. My windshield was so covered in water from the snow hitting the windsheild and then melting that I couldn't see a thing. Plus, I was crying and frustrated so I was already having a hard time seeing. Finally, since my cell phone was completely dead, I made the [very smart] decision to turn back and wait until the next day to try and make the journey home. After a while, I went to see "Paranormal Activity 2" in the Atwood Theater with Zach, Ali, Daniel, and Sammie. The movie really freaked me out and I had some kind of psychotic break and lost my mind. I freaked out about having to stay in my apartment, that I was convinced at the time was haunted. So, after a while my friend Ali decided that I wasn't going to stay at my place and that she was taking me to my parents' house. I really appreciated it.

Saturday January 15, 2011:
I spent the weekend at my parents' house. It went so much better than the last time I tried to go home. I only cried once and that was during the day on Saturday when I had nothing to do and was really missing Trevor. But, I watched his video blogs and asked Kayla and Holly to have him call me when he had time. He'd fallen asleep after he got home from work. Then I got ready, went to dinner with my dad and grandpa, then my dad drove to Verizon Wireless to get signed up for a new phone plan and get a cell phone. After that I went to my Nana's house to hang out with her for a while until my mom was done babysitting her friend's kids and grocery shopping. I had such a good time with her. I got to meet her neighbors across the hall, Stacy and Brittany. One of which used to date Trevor's ex-girlfriend. Then Trevor called and we talked for a while. After a while my mom came and picked me up.

Sunday January 16, 2011:
The next day we went to my cousin, Erika's, hockey game. She's 7 and it was so much fun watching her on the ice. Then we went back to my Uncle Paul's to celebrate my Nana's 63rd birthday. We ate and chatted. My uncle's girlfriend, Johanna (pronounced Jo-anna), had lots questions for me about Trevor. She was so sweet about it. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she was clueless. I love those people but I'll cover that in another post. Then my friend, Sarah, text me to see if I want to go to the Gay 90s with her and some friends. I really wanted to go but Ali and Zach were going to come pick me up that night. But, luckily they both wanted to go the 90s, so it all worked out. My best friend, Kate, came with us. It was so nice to go out with friends and to have Kate meet some of my friends from Cloud. I had so much fun at the 90s. I've never really been comfortable going out to bars and dancing but this night was so different. Zach and Ali had to drag me out of the 90s. I was dancing my ass off. I have never felt so confident and sexy out in public. Normally, I would have been so self-conscious and wanted to leave after and hour. This time I was having so much fun. I want to go back so badly. Also, it was my first time going out with friends since I turned 21. My friend Sarah bought me a beer. It was so weird to be drinking a beer, in public, in a club, on the dance floor. It made me feel like a real person. After the 90s Ali, Zach, and I drove back to St. Cloud.

Monday January 17, 2011:
The next day was the "Big Day". It was Monday and we didn't have school (MLK Jr Day). I hadn't seen Trevor since Friday afternoon when he left for work. I got up and took a shower and got ready and after a while drove over to Trevor's. When I walked up to the door I was greeted by a beautiful, smiling man who had a nice, long, passionate kiss for me as soon as I walked through the door. We hung out with Kayla and Holly. Kayla made dinner (breakfast for dinner: french toast, bacon, and scrambled eggs). I was so happy to be back home with my baby and Kayla and Holly.

Day 73, 74, 75, 76- My 21st Birthday weekend

Day 73- Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
Trevor and Kayla went to a work training from 5-8 PM. While they were gone I went to Aldi and got chicken and potatoes. I had dinner mostly ready before they got home: Garlic Lemon Pepper chicken with Mashed potatoes and corn. They loved it. Then we sat around waiting for midnight.

Day 74- Thursday, January 6th, 2011
I turned 21 on Thursday. At midnight on Thursday Trevor, Kayla, Megan, and I had a Chuck Norris shot (Cherry UV and Liquid ice), so delicious. After we had a couple more drinks we all went to bed. Then we woke up. I called my mom. When she answered the phone I asked her if she knew what day it was and she said, "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!". I said, "Yes, and it's also the 21-year anniversary of my escape from your vaginal prison" because I'm awkward and creepy like that. My mom and Megan laughed for a good five minutes about it.

Megan and I sat around the apartment until Trevor woke up. Then we showered and the three of us went to the DMV to renew my license!

After that we went back to the apartment and I started to get ready to go out. I picked out my outfit, straightened my hair and put on make up. During all of this Megan brought me a Chuck Norris. Again, so yummy. Then we smoked and hung out for a bit, then Kayla came out of her room and poured me a shot into what Holly got me for my birthday, a hot pink zebra print shot glass.

Finally, it was almost 6 PM and we were all ready to go out. We started the night at La Casita. Where I had my first legal drink in public. A pomegranate margarita. Delicious. After dinner we went back to Trevor, Kayla, and Megan's apartment for pre-gaming. We played the game "What's Yours Like?" which was so much fun. I had a couple drinks and my friend Sara bought me a bottle of champagne. It was so good. After that we headed downtown to hit the bars. We started at MC's dugout where I had a "Buffalo on the Rag" which was delicious, despite the nasty name. The we went to the Press where Kerri, Sara, and I danced. Trevor bought me a rum and coke, Wendell bought me a "Fuckin' Awesome" (delicious), Sara bought me a "Scooby Snack" (amazing), and Megan bought me a strawberry "Kamikaze" (so good). After that it was off to the Red Carpet. Trevor bought me drink, not sure what it was, but it was good. After that I felt the "shit show" nerve in my brain pulsating so I cut myself off for the rest of the night. Later I met a random girl in the bathroom who insisted on buying me a shot because it was my birthday.

After that we came home and fell into bed. I was so tired... and so drunk.

Day 75- Friday, January 7th, 2011
During the day Megan and Kayla went out of town and Trevor had to work. So, I sat in the apartment alone. I did some chores, took a nap, and watch TV/movies all day. Then Trevor came home from work, we watched a movie and went to bed.

Day 76- Saturday, January 8th, 2011
The next morning we woke up and got ready. We were going to have lunch with my family and close family friends as Benihana for my birthday. I had so much fun. My grandparents bought me a couple drinks. The food was delicious. I tried sushi for the first time. It was so good. Trevor got the Las Vegas roll and the California roll, I think. I got a few gifts and some cash. After Benihana Trevor and I headed back to my parents' house to spend some time with them and to wait for Kate to get off of work and hang out with her for a while. We watched some TV and got ice cream. It was nice. Around 9, Kate got off of work and came over. Trevor and I smoked with her and talked for a while but she had to get home because she was tired. So, we headed back up to St. Cloud.

 The "Bling" my mom got me. It's a Christmas ornament and ridiculously heavy. I'm thinking of wearing it for drag sometime.

All in all it was an amazing birthday! My best one so far, and I don't usually have good birthdays.