Legalize Trans*

Legalize Trans - Affirm, Include, Appreciate trans and gender-non-conforming people and issues

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 124- What's been going on in my life

It's been two weeks since my last post. I figured I would do a post to just let people know what's been going on these past two weeks.

The Packers won the Super Bowl. Very exciting.

I switched anti-depressants. The first one I was on made me feel suicidal and gave me very disturbing thoughts. These new ones seem to be working well.

My "100 Day No Shave Challenge" is still going. My armpit hair is really impressive. I'd say it's close to an inch long. My leg hair isn't quite as impressive. It's dark but really sparse.

I have gotten over my issues with feet. Trevor gave me a foot rub last night. It was amazing. I've given him  foot rubs too. I'm excited about it.

I'm going to MBLGTACC (Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, and Ally College Conference) next weekend. I'm excited for the conference, but I'm not looking forward to the 12 hour car ride to Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first night we're driving to Madison, Wisconsin then staying overnight and finishing our trip in the morning. However, on the way back we're driving straight home. I get really car sick. I got some Dramamine and I'm going to try to sleep part of the way, but I don't usually sleep in the car. Hopefully, I'll be kept pretty busy with conversations and Jameson and I are going to plan some Alliance activities on the way too. That should help keep me from getting too sick. 

I'm going with my friend Sara to get her haircut today. I'm thinking of getting my haircut this week before MBLGTACC. I'll see when Kerri is free.

Day 124- Fear

Fear is a funny thing. My whole life I have been plagued with fear, fear so paralyzing that it has kept me from doing the most basic things. However, I have made a decision. No more. No longer will I let fear keep me from doing what I want. There are so many things I want to do. 

Trevor is a big factor in my dismissal of my fears. He seems to be fearless. The funny thing about courage is that courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to overcome fear. There are so many scary things in this world and he seems unfazed by all of it. That doesn't mean he's not scared. That just means he wants things badly enough. I want to be like that. I've decided that I am going to be like that. 

So, I've decided to make a contract with myself.

*I am not going to worry about what people will think of me.
*I will not give into my fear and anxiety when something scary comes into view.
*I will look my fear in the face and overcome it.
*I will do something everyday that scares me. 
*I will get over my fears that if I screw up or make a mistake that people will walk away.
*I will fight through my fears because I am strong.
*I will remember always that I can do anything I set my mind to.
*I will make plans, speak my mind, love like crazy, give up on those who have given up on me, cherish those who cherish me, rest easy, take my meds, love myself, and (as my dad's old motorcycle helmet used to say) "Fuck Fear".

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
-Ambrose Redmoon

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 105- I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest

I've been really sad lately. I've been hearing about Trevor's trip to Alnwick, England a lot lately. I am so sad that we have to spend two and a half months apart. When I think about it I just want to cry. 

So, now I'm looking at 10 weeks (end of May- beginning of July) of no hugs, no cuddling, no sex, no kissing, no holding hands, nothing. I'll be able to see him on Skype but that is going to make it harder at first, I feel. This whole experience is going to involve lots of tears on my part. I'm trying to be strong, to make leaving easier for him but it seems like he's not going to have that hard of a time leaving me. My eyes are welling up and my throat is all tight like I need to cry. I need to hold it together. I can't fall apart about this.

I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with him until the end of May. I'm going to miss him so much, it hurts already.

I'm still going to keep the blog updated while he's gone. We will still be together while he's gone and I'm going to need an outlet.

I don't want this trip to have a negative effect on our relationship

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 104- My first ever drag performance

Saturday, February 5th, 2011
Today was my first ever drag performance. It was incredible. One of the best experiences of my life. I was so nervous on Friday night and all day in the car on the way up to Superior. I thought I was literally going to vomit. Zach went on stage before me as Tawnya Tootsieroll. My stomach was in knots and in so much pain the whole time. Then it was my turn on stage. The emcees were asking the crowd who was up next and Sara started a "Dexter" chant. I came through the curtain and they started cheering, loudly. I don't remember most of my first performance, "Grenade" by Bruno Mars. But, it went well. People I didn't even know tipped me.

My second song went really well. I did "Smile" by Uncle Kracker and kept it a secret from Trevor. I think he liked it. I'm not sure though, ha ha, I got that impression from the picture from my second performance. I had so much fun in the show. Incredible experience and I can't wait until April 7th so I can perform again. I'm officially in love with drag! I loved performing in high school and I didn't do it for so long that I psyched myself out for it. I never really got nervous in high school and I was so painfully nervous before this. I'm so excited to keep doing this for years to come.