Legalize Trans*

Legalize Trans - Affirm, Include, Appreciate trans and gender-non-conforming people and issues

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 240- New developments with the transition!!!

Trevor got his dosage of testosterone raised today! Now he's going to be taking .2 mL every Tuesday night!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Day 218- Additional things

Did anyone notice the new header I made for the blog? Love it? Hate it? Tell me what you think!

Day 218- I've been doing some thinking

So, as the title of this post says, I've been doing some thinking, about this blog in particular. The name of the blog is "Life in Transition: My Guide to Loving a Trans Man", but  there is no guide aspect to it. It's more of a life update sort of thing. I debated about maybe changing the name of the blog and just continuing with the way it's been going but then I remembered why I started this blog. I started this blog to educate people and reach out to people who don't know much about trans issues and/or who might have questions for me (or any other partner of a trans person or a trans person). I'll still be updating you guys on our lives, life, and our relationship, but I'm going to put more of a trans emphasis on this blog. I'm going to spend more time talking about issues for trans people, providing resources, and doing research to help trans people and their SOFFAs (Significant Others/Friends/Family/Allies) to help them find answers to questions, help them make informed decisions, and to expand my knowledge so I can be a better resource to people in the transgender community.

Now, this is where I need help from you guys. If there's a topic you want me to cover or a question you want to ask, please e-mail/Facebook it to me or leave it in a comment on this post. I will tackle topics as often as I can. Nothing is off limits, just try to be kind and socially just. If there's a question I can't (or won't) answer I'll still post it and respond to it, hopefully with some information that you can use to find the answer. I will post questions and topic suggestions anonymously (unless you tell me specifically that I can use your name, in which case it would only be your first name). So, ask/suggest away. I'm looking forward to tackling people's questions and topics head on and helping educate people about the transgender community.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Day 212- Update

Hey there everyone. It's been a while. I kind of forgot about the blog for a while. I've kind of forgotten about life for a while. I'm getting back into the swing of things and life in general. I'm going to blog more consistently, I'm working to work on losing more weight, I'm looking for a job. I thought I would give you all a quick update on Trevor and I.

April 6th was the Spring Drag Show. It was amazing! I performed Bon Jovi's "Livin On a Prayer". It was the most fun I've ever had in my life. Everyone did so well and the crowd was incredible! Trevor performed "Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?" by Thompson Square with Kyle Madison. I didn't actually get to see it, but I heard it was really cute. He also performed "Love Like Woe" by The Ready Set. Not his usual choice but the crowd loved it. My baby sister, Sammie, did "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars. It was adorable. I didn't see this but apparently my dad went up to tip her and made her kiss him on the cheek. Cute, eh? My parents, grandparents on my dad's side, Erin, and Melissa came to see me. Oh, and did I mention that my mom brought a surprise for me, one for Tawnya Tootsieroll, and one for Danny McCoy? For Danny she brought pumpkin bars, for Tawnya she brought birthday cupcakes because it was Tawnya's 19th birthday on the day of the show, and for me she brought SARAH DOUD! Sarah walked into the dressing room and I dropped my makeup bag. I was so excited. The night was SUCH a success!


April 7th we got up and signed out lease with Kayla and Holly! We got our parking permits, and paid our shares of the deposit and our first month's rent. I was so excited and nervous.

April 19th was the dat Trevor started TESTOSTERONE! He does his shots on Tuesday nights. He takes .1 of 200 mg (it's confusing). It sometimes takes him a while to actually stick the needle in but once he gets it into his leg it's over in a flash. I'm so proud of him. I can't imagine having to give myself a shot every week. I can't even handle getting a shot once every 3 years by a medical professional, ha ha. He hasn't really noticed any physical effects yet. There's been some irritability which was only exacerbated by the fact that we were moving. His mustache (hair on upper lip) is considerably darker but it's hard to tell unless you're within a foot of his face. Also, his (sorry if this hurts anyone's brain) breasts have shrunk also. If I remember correctly he's supposed to go back to the doctor 8 weeks after his first appointment, which is in about 3 weeks. At this appointment they will probably up his dosage, since he's responding well to the dose he's on right now. I have pictures on my phone but I can't access them at the moment. I have a picture of him with the needle actually in his leg. It's pretty sweet.

April 25th was our 6 "month-iversary-thing-a-jigger" (as Trevor called it). 6 months? Wow, it doesn't seem like it's been that long and it seems like it's been forever. We were going to do something to celebrate but we were both pretty tired after school and the drag information meeting. We just got some pizza and went to bed and cuddled.

April 29th was the day Trevor turned 6 months old! It was also the day we got the keys to our apartment and started the moving process.


May 14th was the day that Trevor, being the amazing boyfriend and man that he is, came to a best friend's wedding with me, as my date. Even though he didn't know ANYONE there and I was a bridesmaid, so I couldn't  hang out with him all that much. Two of my guy friends from high school were there that he had met once before that day. During the ceremony he was seated in the back of the church with another bridesmaid's boyfriend and he sat alone at the reception because I was seated at the head table. As soon as the dancing began I went and sat with him. He was such a good sport. My friend, Libby and her son, Landon, finally got to meet Trevor. It was a beautiful wedding and I had so much fun. I'm so happy for Arlene, Kory, and Ronny (my 2-year-old godson) and their new family. I appreciate Trevor so much. I love him so much. He went with me and barely complained. I felt so bad, I had completely forgot about the head table during the dinner portion of the reception. I would have liked to slow dance a little more, but there will be plenty more weddings for him and I to dance at.





May 21st was the day we finished moving into our new apartment together, the four of us. We have all of the furniture in the apartment and it's all set-up. The only problem is our bed. We discovered some dust mites on it. So, we got rid of it and are getting a new one. For now, we're sleeping on our mattress pads covered with sheets on the floor. It's much more comfortable than it sounds. We'll have a bed in a few days, hopefully. We also don't have a shower curtain or other bathroom stuff, but we have towels, soap, washcloths, and the other necessities. It will all come together in the next few weeks.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Day 140- A big announcement!... and a few smaller ones

So, I've been posting a lot of videos lately. I figured it was for time for an actual blog. A lot has been going on lately but, I won't leave you all in suspense. Here's the big announcement: Trevor and I are...........

MOVING IN TOGETHER!!!

I will be moving into the new apartment with Trevor, Kayla, and Holly. The apartment is gorgeous and big. I'm so excited. I am a little nervous but my mom told me, "If you weren't nervous, you wouldn't be taking it seriously." It's a big step, but I think we're ready. I feel like I should be freaking out but I'm not. This feels right and I'm so ready.

Other things that have been going on. We're on Spring Break. It's been nice to sit back and relax, but we're back to school on Monday. Midterms sucked my butt. The Spring Drag Show is creeping up. I signed up to do a drag show at the University of Minnesota- Duluth on March 26th. I'm psyched. I'm doing two country songs, one of which is a duet with my buddy Aiden Gage. Next weekend I'm going home for a friend's 21st birthday. I have so much going in in the coming months, it's crazy!!!

Here's a glimpse into my life:
(Keep in mind that I have classes, homework and activities until April 30th and packing to do)
March 19: Home for Schroeder's birthday
March 26: UMD Drag Show
April 7: SCSU Spring Drag Show
April 30: Moving
May 2-6: Finals
May 14: Arlene & Kory's Wedding
June 5: EC Pride and Drag Show
June 25-26: Twin Cities Pride

Friday, March 11, 2011

Day 138- Video Blog #3

Day 137 - My first attack

Last week I was sitting on the couch at Trevor's, minding my own business. I had signed out of my personal Facebook and into my Drag persona's Facebook to play some Farmville and update the page. When I signed back on to my Facebook I had a message waiting in my inbox. I opened and read it.





This message has made my life somewhat difficult lately. There are several things to keep in mind. I have NEVER actually met or talked to this woman. She is one of my best friends' step-mother. We'd be friends on Facebook for a few years and exchanged the occasional comment back and forth.

I know that these words shouldn't affect me, her opinion doesn't even matter. But, the comparisons are just so painful. Being queer and trans is NOT the same as doing drugs and/or sleeping around. And the last sentence where she asks, "One questions I ask you to ask yourself - if your life is so wonderful, why do you need anti depressants?" Because I've been depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts since I was 12 years old, BEFORE I even came out or knew who I was attracted. The audacity of some people. I didn't ask for her opinion, nor did I want it. The nerve of this woman amazes me. I'm really glad that you have such a strong opinion of me, seeing as how we have never met, ever. She has never had a conversation with me. All she knows about me is from Facebook and whatever her daughter has told her.

I'm going to write her back but I have to take A LOT of time to formulate what I'm going to say because at this moment it would pretty much read, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

That which doesn't kill me, will make me stronger. I will be stronger from this one day. This doesn't affect my relationship with any of my friends, family, Trevor, or this woman's daughter. It just reminds me that not everyone is accepting as my amazing friends and family.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 131- I'm a TMate!!!

Hey there everyone!

So, I have some good news! For those of you who don't know I was invited to audition for TMatesFTM, a YouTube channel that caters exclusively to SOFFAs (Significant Others, Family, Friends, and Allies of transexual people) of FTM transgender/transexual (it's all about how you identify) men. Sammie, who is dating Daniel, also auditioned. What we had to do was make a video talking about who we are, about our guys, and what we could bring to the channel. Our videos are at the bottom of this post for those of you that haven't seen them, or just want to watch them again.

Well, the results are in and... Sammie and I were both accepted for Round 5 of TMates! My day is Wednesday and Sammie's is Tuesdays. Each week we have a different topic to talk about. Our days are the days that we upload our videos to the channel on. :) I'm so excited. If you want to watch my and/or Sammie's videos just go to YouTube (if you don't have an account, make one quick), then put in this link: http://www.youtube.com/user/TMatesFTM and click on the 'Subscribe' button. :) I'll try to remember to post a link on this blog every week. But you should definitely subscribe to the channel.

I am so excited to get started and to tell mine and Trevor's story. I really want to raise awareness of trans issues and remove the stigmas from the word 'transgender'. I also want to show other SOFFAs that they are not alone. There are so many people out there that care about/love/are in relationships with transgender people. It's hard sometimes, but if it's real and you love the person it is so worth it. I can't imagine my life without Trevor. I don't even want to think of where I'd be today if I had taken the outs he gave me when he came out. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have never felt this way about another person, I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. It's funny that you didn't know you wanted something so bad until you have it.

I'm also including the results video in this post too. It's just really amazing to hear Mel say my name. :)



Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 124- What's been going on in my life

It's been two weeks since my last post. I figured I would do a post to just let people know what's been going on these past two weeks.

The Packers won the Super Bowl. Very exciting.

I switched anti-depressants. The first one I was on made me feel suicidal and gave me very disturbing thoughts. These new ones seem to be working well.

My "100 Day No Shave Challenge" is still going. My armpit hair is really impressive. I'd say it's close to an inch long. My leg hair isn't quite as impressive. It's dark but really sparse.

I have gotten over my issues with feet. Trevor gave me a foot rub last night. It was amazing. I've given him  foot rubs too. I'm excited about it.


I'm going to MBLGTACC (Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, and Ally College Conference) next weekend. I'm excited for the conference, but I'm not looking forward to the 12 hour car ride to Ann Arbor, Michigan. The first night we're driving to Madison, Wisconsin then staying overnight and finishing our trip in the morning. However, on the way back we're driving straight home. I get really car sick. I got some Dramamine and I'm going to try to sleep part of the way, but I don't usually sleep in the car. Hopefully, I'll be kept pretty busy with conversations and Jameson and I are going to plan some Alliance activities on the way too. That should help keep me from getting too sick. 


I'm going with my friend Sara to get her haircut today. I'm thinking of getting my haircut this week before MBLGTACC. I'll see when Kerri is free.

Day 124- Fear

Fear is a funny thing. My whole life I have been plagued with fear, fear so paralyzing that it has kept me from doing the most basic things. However, I have made a decision. No more. No longer will I let fear keep me from doing what I want. There are so many things I want to do. 


Trevor is a big factor in my dismissal of my fears. He seems to be fearless. The funny thing about courage is that courage isn't the absence of fear but the ability to overcome fear. There are so many scary things in this world and he seems unfazed by all of it. That doesn't mean he's not scared. That just means he wants things badly enough. I want to be like that. I've decided that I am going to be like that. 


So, I've decided to make a contract with myself.


*I am not going to worry about what people will think of me.
*I will not give into my fear and anxiety when something scary comes into view.
*I will look my fear in the face and overcome it.
*I will do something everyday that scares me. 
*I will get over my fears that if I screw up or make a mistake that people will walk away.
*I will fight through my fears because I am strong.
*I will remember always that I can do anything I set my mind to.
*I will make plans, speak my mind, love like crazy, give up on those who have given up on me, cherish those who cherish me, rest easy, take my meds, love myself, and (as my dad's old motorcycle helmet used to say) "Fuck Fear".


"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
-Ambrose Redmoon

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 105- I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest

I've been really sad lately. I've been hearing about Trevor's trip to Alnwick, England a lot lately. I am so sad that we have to spend two and a half months apart. When I think about it I just want to cry. 



So, now I'm looking at 10 weeks (end of May- beginning of July) of no hugs, no cuddling, no sex, no kissing, no holding hands, nothing. I'll be able to see him on Skype but that is going to make it harder at first, I feel. This whole experience is going to involve lots of tears on my part. I'm trying to be strong, to make leaving easier for him but it seems like he's not going to have that hard of a time leaving me. My eyes are welling up and my throat is all tight like I need to cry. I need to hold it together. I can't fall apart about this.


I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with him until the end of May. I'm going to miss him so much, it hurts already.


I'm still going to keep the blog updated while he's gone. We will still be together while he's gone and I'm going to need an outlet.


I don't want this trip to have a negative effect on our relationship

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 104- My first ever drag performance

Saturday, February 5th, 2011
Today was my first ever drag performance. It was incredible. One of the best experiences of my life. I was so nervous on Friday night and all day in the car on the way up to Superior. I thought I was literally going to vomit. Zach went on stage before me as Tawnya Tootsieroll. My stomach was in knots and in so much pain the whole time. Then it was my turn on stage. The emcees were asking the crowd who was up next and Sara started a "Dexter" chant. I came through the curtain and they started cheering, loudly. I don't remember most of my first performance, "Grenade" by Bruno Mars. But, it went well. People I didn't even know tipped me.








My second song went really well. I did "Smile" by Uncle Kracker and kept it a secret from Trevor. I think he liked it. I'm not sure though, ha ha, I got that impression from the picture from my second performance. I had so much fun in the show. Incredible experience and I can't wait until April 7th so I can perform again. I'm officially in love with drag! I loved performing in high school and I didn't do it for so long that I psyched myself out for it. I never really got nervous in high school and I was so painfully nervous before this. I'm so excited to keep doing this for years to come.




Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 95- About to freak out

So, it has been a while since I've posted. I've been going through a lot of things lately and just haven't had time to post. However, now, as I sit here, somewhat emotionally numb and watching "Glee" with Kayla, I decided to take some time to update you guys with what is going on.

First, I have been having really bad anxiety and depression issues. The smallest things can set me off.

Secondly, Trevor turned to me in class on Wednesday and said, "I know you hate this but I need to talk to you later." I said OK, but I was freaking out inside. Finally, I said to him, "If you're gonna break up with me just do it now" because I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that he was thinking about going on a 10-week Study Abroad program in Alwnick (pronounced Ann-ick), England this summer. I got silent and didn't know how to react. I was really upset, initially. I'm still having a really hard time with it. 10 weeks= 2 1/2 months. We've been together for 3 months. That's almost our entire relationship. By the time he'd leave (May 21st) we'd been together for almost 7 months, so the ratio doesn't seem as high. My anxiety was so high around it that I couldn't even pretend to be excited about it. I was crying at any given moment. The only time I wasn't upset was when I had forgotten about it. It doesn't help that the next day that Kayla, who I had thought I would have up here was going with him. I did not react well and I feel so bad. I was really looking forward to spending out first summer together, TOGETHER. Also, I'm so afraid all that time away from me and around a bunch of sexy Irish women will make him leave me. I think another reason why I'm upset is that I'm jealous. Jealous that they have something to do this summer and jealous that they actually have the balls to just pick up and leave everyone and everything for 2 months. I can't even do that for two weeks.

I found a place to live this summer. So, I'm not too worried about that. I'll be staying with my friend, Daniel, in his apartment in Coon Rapids. I also might have found a job. Things are starting to look up for me. But I'm still just emotionally devastated right now. I'll post more about it as it gets closer.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Days 82, 83, 84, 85- A weekend away

Friday January 14, 2011:
Two Fridays ago I was going to go to parents' for the weekend since Trevor worked all weekend. So, I thought, 'Hey, what a perfect opportunity to go see some family and friends.' Plus a friend of the family had just passed and I kind of wanted to see people that I had missed at the funeral [since I didn't go because I live in St. Cloud and most of my family and friends live in the St. Paul area]. However, after I spent 20 minutes brushing the snow off my car that had accumulated over Winter Break. Then my car was stuck in its parking space. Once I finally got it out of the lot I noticed that my windshield wipers weren't working. So, I went to fill my car up with gas and to let it run for a minute, and scrape off ALL of the ice and snow. Then I tried to get on the road, however, it was snowing heavily, blizzard, disaster-like snow. My windshield was so covered in water from the snow hitting the windsheild and then melting that I couldn't see a thing. Plus, I was crying and frustrated so I was already having a hard time seeing. Finally, since my cell phone was completely dead, I made the [very smart] decision to turn back and wait until the next day to try and make the journey home. After a while, I went to see "Paranormal Activity 2" in the Atwood Theater with Zach, Ali, Daniel, and Sammie. The movie really freaked me out and I had some kind of psychotic break and lost my mind. I freaked out about having to stay in my apartment, that I was convinced at the time was haunted. So, after a while my friend Ali decided that I wasn't going to stay at my place and that she was taking me to my parents' house. I really appreciated it.

Saturday January 15, 2011:
I spent the weekend at my parents' house. It went so much better than the last time I tried to go home. I only cried once and that was during the day on Saturday when I had nothing to do and was really missing Trevor. But, I watched his video blogs and asked Kayla and Holly to have him call me when he had time. He'd fallen asleep after he got home from work. Then I got ready, went to dinner with my dad and grandpa, then my dad drove to Verizon Wireless to get signed up for a new phone plan and get a cell phone. After that I went to my Nana's house to hang out with her for a while until my mom was done babysitting her friend's kids and grocery shopping. I had such a good time with her. I got to meet her neighbors across the hall, Stacy and Brittany. One of which used to date Trevor's ex-girlfriend. Then Trevor called and we talked for a while. After a while my mom came and picked me up.

Sunday January 16, 2011:
The next day we went to my cousin, Erika's, hockey game. She's 7 and it was so much fun watching her on the ice. Then we went back to my Uncle Paul's to celebrate my Nana's 63rd birthday. We ate and chatted. My uncle's girlfriend, Johanna (pronounced Jo-anna), had lots questions for me about Trevor. She was so sweet about it. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she was clueless. I love those people but I'll cover that in another post. Then my friend, Sarah, text me to see if I want to go to the Gay 90s with her and some friends. I really wanted to go but Ali and Zach were going to come pick me up that night. But, luckily they both wanted to go the 90s, so it all worked out. My best friend, Kate, came with us. It was so nice to go out with friends and to have Kate meet some of my friends from Cloud. I had so much fun at the 90s. I've never really been comfortable going out to bars and dancing but this night was so different. Zach and Ali had to drag me out of the 90s. I was dancing my ass off. I have never felt so confident and sexy out in public. Normally, I would have been so self-conscious and wanted to leave after and hour. This time I was having so much fun. I want to go back so badly. Also, it was my first time going out with friends since I turned 21. My friend Sarah bought me a beer. It was so weird to be drinking a beer, in public, in a club, on the dance floor. It made me feel like a real person. After the 90s Ali, Zach, and I drove back to St. Cloud.

Monday January 17, 2011:
The next day was the "Big Day". It was Monday and we didn't have school (MLK Jr Day). I hadn't seen Trevor since Friday afternoon when he left for work. I got up and took a shower and got ready and after a while drove over to Trevor's. When I walked up to the door I was greeted by a beautiful, smiling man who had a nice, long, passionate kiss for me as soon as I walked through the door. We hung out with Kayla and Holly. Kayla made dinner (breakfast for dinner: french toast, bacon, and scrambled eggs). I was so happy to be back home with my baby and Kayla and Holly.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Day 73, 74, 75, 76- My 21st Birthday weekend

Day 73- Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
Trevor and Kayla went to a work training from 5-8 PM. While they were gone I went to Aldi and got chicken and potatoes. I had dinner mostly ready before they got home: Garlic Lemon Pepper chicken with Mashed potatoes and corn. They loved it. Then we sat around waiting for midnight.

Day 74- Thursday, January 6th, 2011
I turned 21 on Thursday. At midnight on Thursday Trevor, Kayla, Megan, and I had a Chuck Norris shot (Cherry UV and Liquid ice), so delicious. After we had a couple more drinks we all went to bed. Then we woke up. I called my mom. When she answered the phone I asked her if she knew what day it was and she said, "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!". I said, "Yes, and it's also the 21-year anniversary of my escape from your vaginal prison" because I'm awkward and creepy like that. My mom and Megan laughed for a good five minutes about it.

Megan and I sat around the apartment until Trevor woke up. Then we showered and the three of us went to the DMV to renew my license!

After that we went back to the apartment and I started to get ready to go out. I picked out my outfit, straightened my hair and put on make up. During all of this Megan brought me a Chuck Norris. Again, so yummy. Then we smoked and hung out for a bit, then Kayla came out of her room and poured me a shot into what Holly got me for my birthday, a hot pink zebra print shot glass.

Finally, it was almost 6 PM and we were all ready to go out. We started the night at La Casita. Where I had my first legal drink in public. A pomegranate margarita. Delicious. After dinner we went back to Trevor, Kayla, and Megan's apartment for pre-gaming. We played the game "What's Yours Like?" which was so much fun. I had a couple drinks and my friend Sara bought me a bottle of champagne. It was so good. After that we headed downtown to hit the bars. We started at MC's dugout where I had a "Buffalo on the Rag" which was delicious, despite the nasty name. The we went to the Press where Kerri, Sara, and I danced. Trevor bought me a rum and coke, Wendell bought me a "Fuckin' Awesome" (delicious), Sara bought me a "Scooby Snack" (amazing), and Megan bought me a strawberry "Kamikaze" (so good). After that it was off to the Red Carpet. Trevor bought me drink, not sure what it was, but it was good. After that I felt the "shit show" nerve in my brain pulsating so I cut myself off for the rest of the night. Later I met a random girl in the bathroom who insisted on buying me a shot because it was my birthday.

After that we came home and fell into bed. I was so tired... and so drunk.

Day 75- Friday, January 7th, 2011
During the day Megan and Kayla went out of town and Trevor had to work. So, I sat in the apartment alone. I did some chores, took a nap, and watch TV/movies all day. Then Trevor came home from work, we watched a movie and went to bed.

Day 76- Saturday, January 8th, 2011
The next morning we woke up and got ready. We were going to have lunch with my family and close family friends as Benihana for my birthday. I had so much fun. My grandparents bought me a couple drinks. The food was delicious. I tried sushi for the first time. It was so good. Trevor got the Las Vegas roll and the California roll, I think. I got a few gifts and some cash. After Benihana Trevor and I headed back to my parents' house to spend some time with them and to wait for Kate to get off of work and hang out with her for a while. We watched some TV and got ice cream. It was nice. Around 9, Kate got off of work and came over. Trevor and I smoked with her and talked for a while but she had to get home because she was tired. So, we headed back up to St. Cloud.

 The "Bling" my mom got me. It's a Christmas ornament and ridiculously heavy. I'm thinking of wearing it for drag sometime.

All in all it was an amazing birthday! My best one so far, and I don't usually have good birthdays.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 73- Remodeling my mindset and being mushy

So, ever since Trevor came out to me as transgender I've had this nifty little disconnect in my brain. In my brain, he wasn't born a woman. He's a man and it's normal for my boyfriend to have been referred to as Kayla and to have other female issues. This was working really well until I went home with him for Christmas and all I heard was, "Kayla this" and "Kayla that". Also, since then I've been getting more and more reminders that Trevor isn't like other guys, as I like to put it.

Lately, I've come to realize that I think I'm looking at this from a completely wrong perspective. Instead of being in denial of Kayla's existence, I need to look at it as part of his past, much like a haircut or an ex-girlfriend (but on a much grander scale). I need to remember that Kayla was around for 22 years and that Trevor is only 2 months old. Once I can adjust my frame of mind to this view I feel that hearing the accidental (or in some cases, due to carelessness) "Kayla"s or feminine pronouns won't hurt/confuse me so much.

If Trevor really is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (which he is) then, I need to make changes and sacrifices for him and for our life together. I don't get to pick and choose the parts of his life that I "can't handle" and ignore them. If I love him, I love ALL of him, and I do. I love every little thing about him, even the things he hates and he does the same for me. He loves things that I see as imperfections or flaws. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is the man I'm going to marry, maybe have children with, spend the rest of my life with and I love him with all my heart. He is the man of my dreams.

I used to feel physically uncomfortable when I would see pictures of him in his girlie days (with long hair and make up) as a woman. Now, it's actually easier to see them. He was a beautiful girl. However, looking at him now, his confidence and comfort level shines through because he is finally being true to himself. He is so handsome and sexy. He lights up a room when he walks into a room. When he smiles, so does everyone around him. Even when I'm in a horrible mood, one smile from him can lift the dark clouds. Just tonight I was feeling overwhelmed by the upcoming semester and how busy we are both going to be and he held and kissed me and reassured me that we love each other and we will get through it. I can't even begin to list the things I love about him. Maybe one day I'll devote an entire post to making that list. I don't know if I could fit the list in just one post, though. Ha ha.

Now, don't get me wrong. We do have our issues and every moment is not full of glitter and happy puppies but it's how we get through the bad moments that make the good moments even better. There are things that each of us need to work on as individuals and there are things we need to work on as a couple.

One of the things I need to work on is my self-esteem. I asked Trevor once if he could change one thing about me what would it be and that was his answer, he barely had to think about it. I agree with him. Towards the beginning of our relationship whenever he would compliment me, I would roll my eyes, shake my head, or verbally disagree with him. Now, I'm getting better at just accepting the compliments, even if I don't agree, I just try to say, "Thank you" or "I love you" when he compliments me. The thing is that I want to see when I look in the mirror what he sees when he looks at me. He tells me I'm beautiful, cute, hot, sexy, gorgeous, and amazing. I want to see that in myself. I want to feel it. I'm working on it. I hope to some day soon (or within the next year) I can be in a place that when he tells me I'm beautiful I feel it. I want to love myself as much as I love him and as much as he loves me.

I wish he knew how great he was. He is so wonderful. When he tells me I'm beautiful I want to compliment him back but the only word that comes to my mind is beautiful. I don't mean this in a completely physical sense. He is very attractive, there is no doubting that, but when I say I think he's beautiful, I mean so much more. He is kind, loving, smart, funny, generous, and sensitive. What I mean by beautiful is that he is beautiful inside and out.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Day 68/69- New year's

New Year's Eve was interesting. During the day Holly and I went ice skating with out friend, Kerri. Well, Holly and Kerri skated while I watched, smoked, and went into the warming house to read my book. After that Holly and I went to Target to get "supplies" for the evening (soda and snacks). Then Kayla got home from work. Then we waited until 10:00 PM when Trevor got off of work. He came home and we hung out, ate some snacks, and had some drinks. I think we had a little too much to drink that night. Trevor kept, as I call it, "Edward Cullen-ing" me. Talking about how he feels bad that the transition stuff is hard on me, how he wishes he were a regular guy, asking me if still I still love him, telling me that I would be better off with someone "normal". When this happens I keep the "I love you"s and hugs and kiss coming. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. Also, being with someone "normal" wouldn't be as wonderful as our relationship is.

The next day, we sat around. We watched "Easy A" with Kayla, Holly, Kyle, and Megan. After that we all (Kayla, Holly, Trevor and I) got ready to go on our "separate" dates. We ate separately and then met at the movie theater to see "Little Fockers". It was a cute movie but it was also one of those movies that if it hadn't been made no one would feel an empty spot inside. Then we came home and relaxed and then headed off to bed.