Legalize Trans*

Legalize Trans - Affirm, Include, Appreciate trans and gender-non-conforming people and issues

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 73- Remodeling my mindset and being mushy

So, ever since Trevor came out to me as transgender I've had this nifty little disconnect in my brain. In my brain, he wasn't born a woman. He's a man and it's normal for my boyfriend to have been referred to as Kayla and to have other female issues. This was working really well until I went home with him for Christmas and all I heard was, "Kayla this" and "Kayla that". Also, since then I've been getting more and more reminders that Trevor isn't like other guys, as I like to put it.

Lately, I've come to realize that I think I'm looking at this from a completely wrong perspective. Instead of being in denial of Kayla's existence, I need to look at it as part of his past, much like a haircut or an ex-girlfriend (but on a much grander scale). I need to remember that Kayla was around for 22 years and that Trevor is only 2 months old. Once I can adjust my frame of mind to this view I feel that hearing the accidental (or in some cases, due to carelessness) "Kayla"s or feminine pronouns won't hurt/confuse me so much.

If Trevor really is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with (which he is) then, I need to make changes and sacrifices for him and for our life together. I don't get to pick and choose the parts of his life that I "can't handle" and ignore them. If I love him, I love ALL of him, and I do. I love every little thing about him, even the things he hates and he does the same for me. He loves things that I see as imperfections or flaws. I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is the man I'm going to marry, maybe have children with, spend the rest of my life with and I love him with all my heart. He is the man of my dreams.

I used to feel physically uncomfortable when I would see pictures of him in his girlie days (with long hair and make up) as a woman. Now, it's actually easier to see them. He was a beautiful girl. However, looking at him now, his confidence and comfort level shines through because he is finally being true to himself. He is so handsome and sexy. He lights up a room when he walks into a room. When he smiles, so does everyone around him. Even when I'm in a horrible mood, one smile from him can lift the dark clouds. Just tonight I was feeling overwhelmed by the upcoming semester and how busy we are both going to be and he held and kissed me and reassured me that we love each other and we will get through it. I can't even begin to list the things I love about him. Maybe one day I'll devote an entire post to making that list. I don't know if I could fit the list in just one post, though. Ha ha.

Now, don't get me wrong. We do have our issues and every moment is not full of glitter and happy puppies but it's how we get through the bad moments that make the good moments even better. There are things that each of us need to work on as individuals and there are things we need to work on as a couple.

One of the things I need to work on is my self-esteem. I asked Trevor once if he could change one thing about me what would it be and that was his answer, he barely had to think about it. I agree with him. Towards the beginning of our relationship whenever he would compliment me, I would roll my eyes, shake my head, or verbally disagree with him. Now, I'm getting better at just accepting the compliments, even if I don't agree, I just try to say, "Thank you" or "I love you" when he compliments me. The thing is that I want to see when I look in the mirror what he sees when he looks at me. He tells me I'm beautiful, cute, hot, sexy, gorgeous, and amazing. I want to see that in myself. I want to feel it. I'm working on it. I hope to some day soon (or within the next year) I can be in a place that when he tells me I'm beautiful I feel it. I want to love myself as much as I love him and as much as he loves me.

I wish he knew how great he was. He is so wonderful. When he tells me I'm beautiful I want to compliment him back but the only word that comes to my mind is beautiful. I don't mean this in a completely physical sense. He is very attractive, there is no doubting that, but when I say I think he's beautiful, I mean so much more. He is kind, loving, smart, funny, generous, and sensitive. What I mean by beautiful is that he is beautiful inside and out.

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