Legalize Trans*

Legalize Trans - Affirm, Include, Appreciate trans and gender-non-conforming people and issues

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 95- About to freak out

So, it has been a while since I've posted. I've been going through a lot of things lately and just haven't had time to post. However, now, as I sit here, somewhat emotionally numb and watching "Glee" with Kayla, I decided to take some time to update you guys with what is going on.

First, I have been having really bad anxiety and depression issues. The smallest things can set me off.

Secondly, Trevor turned to me in class on Wednesday and said, "I know you hate this but I need to talk to you later." I said OK, but I was freaking out inside. Finally, I said to him, "If you're gonna break up with me just do it now" because I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that he was thinking about going on a 10-week Study Abroad program in Alwnick (pronounced Ann-ick), England this summer. I got silent and didn't know how to react. I was really upset, initially. I'm still having a really hard time with it. 10 weeks= 2 1/2 months. We've been together for 3 months. That's almost our entire relationship. By the time he'd leave (May 21st) we'd been together for almost 7 months, so the ratio doesn't seem as high. My anxiety was so high around it that I couldn't even pretend to be excited about it. I was crying at any given moment. The only time I wasn't upset was when I had forgotten about it. It doesn't help that the next day that Kayla, who I had thought I would have up here was going with him. I did not react well and I feel so bad. I was really looking forward to spending out first summer together, TOGETHER. Also, I'm so afraid all that time away from me and around a bunch of sexy Irish women will make him leave me. I think another reason why I'm upset is that I'm jealous. Jealous that they have something to do this summer and jealous that they actually have the balls to just pick up and leave everyone and everything for 2 months. I can't even do that for two weeks.

I found a place to live this summer. So, I'm not too worried about that. I'll be staying with my friend, Daniel, in his apartment in Coon Rapids. I also might have found a job. Things are starting to look up for me. But I'm still just emotionally devastated right now. I'll post more about it as it gets closer.

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